How may I help you, sir?
Applying for the mall Kris Kringle position? Of course. Let me just get the application. Ow! There’s no need to hit me with that switch, sir. I’ll be happy to fill it out for you.
We prefer ink, sir, on our applications. Blood gets so — sticky.
May I ask why you are keen on the position?
Fondness for children is a definite asset, sir. Pardon me… did you say tastiness?
Ah, tasteful. Of course.
Any relevant skills or experience?
I’m afraid kidnapping is not — oh, I see, helping kids nap. Quite a different concept, sir. Let’s just move on, shall we?
Please list your greatest assets. You know — kindness or courtesy or…
You’re a good — kicker? I’m sorry, sir, I fail to see…
Ah. Kisser. Even so, sir — kissing is — well, it’s frowned on in a Kris Kringle these days. And please put your tongue away. Thank you.
I’ve a few further concerns sir, about your appearance. Your natural beard is quite appropriate for the position, but the cloven hooves may be a problem. And the antlers.
Under the hat? That’s certainly a possibility, sir.
Hours available? Yes, we offer several breaks over the day, but snacking on the job is discouraged. I’m sorry — did you say snacking ON the kids?
Oh with the kids. Still not kosher, I’m afraid, sir.
That’s all the questions for today. So kind of you to apply. No need to kneel, sir; I quite understand how keen you are.
We’ll keep in touch!
After I wrote this Festive Flash today, a friend showed me the most delightfully naughty coming-of-age novel about Krampus, self-pubbed on Kickstarter. Not sure if there are more digital copies available, but if you’d like to contact the creator, you can find it HERE.
For the month of December, my goal is to post a piece of festive flash fiction here to the blog every day. Twenty-five stories, each 250 words or fewer — a little fictional festivity to brighten the darkest month of the year. For readers, I offer these stories as a moment of peace within a hectic month of busy. And writers? If you’d like to join me, I’ll feature any flash fiction you’d like to share!